"When we buy into romantic love as the be-all and end-all of our intimate relationships instead of the starting point, we are buying into all the myths that are attached to it. In the end, we are distraught to discover that what we’ve bought is ephemeral at best, heart wrenchingly painful and destructive at worst."
Dr. Jeffrey Title
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MYTHS OF ROMANTIC LOVE
What is this thing called romance? All too often we imbue this state of mind, or heart as it were, with all kinds of magical, mystical properties. When we’re romantically in love, we feel convinced we’ve finally found that one person who truly cares for us, who will never disappoint us, never fail us, never leave us. At least while it lasts, we get lulled into feeling safe, secure, and on top of the world.
When we buy into romantic love as the be-all and end-all of our intimate relationships instead of the starting point, we are buying into all the myths that are attached to it. In the end, we are distraught to discover that what we’ve bought is ephemeral at best, heart wrenchingly painful and destructive at worst.
Myth #1 — Love conquers all
You’d think that the dismal national divorce statistics (hovering around 50%) would be enough to dispel this myth. But, diabolically, the widespread belief that love conquers all leads to thinking there’s nothing you need to learn to help yourselves which, in turn, leads marriages down the myth strewn road to failure. Remember The Beatles singing, “All you need is love... love is all you need.” Fat chance! The specious belief that love conquers all fills you with false hope and leaves you planless, resourceless, and powerless to deal with all the inevitable problems of long–term intimate love. In the end you’re left high and dry with bad feelings of betrayal.
Myth # 2 — Love will change my partner
Like Dorothy in “The Wizard of Oz”, if you believe in this myth, you believe you can lead men (or women) of tin and straw to overcome their awe of witches and wizards, take control of their lives, and become truly human — in the image you have already created in your mind. You cling to the belief that if there are faults in your lover, through your love, you’ll have the power to eliminate them. Unfortunately, love doesn’t grant you any such power, and, more often than not, your partner’s faults long outlast the romance.
Myth # 3 — Romantic love lasts forever
At the core of the myth of romantic love is the simplistic and heartfelt belief that our love will last forever. That belief is our faith in romance. A faith that will betray us. The simple truth is that romantic feelings cannot last indefinitely in their original form or original intensity.
Sooner or later the time will come when your faith will fail you. Typically, you try to cling in desperation to your faith even as you question it. But you start to slip. Sometimes you “fall”. Think of the word “fall”, as in “falling” in love and “falling” out of love. It’s as if the process occurs by accident — like stumbling over a log you didn’t realize was blocking your path. Since romantic love is based on nothing more than the accident which began it, you can easily fall out of love.
When you “fall” out of romantic love, your faith having failed you, all too often you feel as if there’s nothing left in the relationship. And tragically, for many there is nothing left — no foundation based on the real qualities that go into making up a loving, long–lasting, intimate relationship. When the rosy hue fades, those of you who adhere to this myth of eternal romantic love have nothing to replace it with, nothing substantial that can help you rekindle the original passion and excitement. You are left in deep pain, without any of the qualities in the relationship that can help you fall back in love with the same partner over and over again.
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Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water
There
is nothing wrong with romantic love, only with the myths that tell you
that you don’t need to go beyond your feelings. You have to be careful
not to allow your highly charged emotions to keep you from also having
as realistic and broad a view of your relationship as possible. If you
eschew the myths of romantic love and maintain a commitment to working
on the quality of the relationship right from the beginning, you have
the opportunity to add substance to your emotions, provide a solid
foundation upon which to build.
My aim in working with couples
is not to discredit the joyful experience of romantic love or dismiss
it as inconsequential. Being madly, wildly in love is exhilarating and
exciting. Those couples who had it and lost it can feel
disappointed, depressed, angry, resentful. A good part of my work with
couples is to help them regain some of those romantic feelings, but
even more importantly, find the way to an intimate relationship based
on substance.
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